Learning to be happy and coping with the fear of change

It's the middle of the night now. There's no specific reason for me to stay awake at this time; just that I couldn't catch a sleep. Maybe it's better to write than lie in bed thinking or overthinking of bizarre things that might never gonna happen, but that can actually ruin one's mental health for sure. Midnights are perhaps the best time to write because one's thought processes are much active at night than day, or at least mine is. It's completely my perception, though. But almost everyone, especially students like me, would agree that sleepless nights show us all the insecurities of our future. All we imagine about our future is a complete utopian and romanticized situation with no struggles and hardships, just a dream job and family in a dream city. Only when comes a sleepless night than one perceive the reality that life isn't really based on utopia. There's challenge all the way through. All insecurities, anxieties, fears and nervousness mingle inside our brains and the more you want to dismiss them, the more they settle in your mind, permanently. 

There are people who never overthink. They just keep doing their job and minding their own business and finally, get successful one day. I wish I was like them whom nothing bothered in the world except their own priorities. I wish I was the one who never had to gulp SRIs to combat anxious thoughts. 

Well, my support to all those who are like me. And I know it's the majority. Because studies are not easy and effortless, exams are hard, jobs are unavailable and life is uncertain. So much that, you have to prove yourself competent at every point, everyday, every second of your life to be able to earn some money and prestige. Therefore, being a graduate, it is evidently true that I'm at the most vulnerable stage of my life where there's already a pressure to earn. Luckily, I'm not one of those girls who are pressurised to get married after graduating. It's horrifying. 

Ah, it's already dawn. I don't like the light. They interfere with my sleep. So I close the curtains. But light is necessary. You cannot stay in the dark and  escape from the world. I was an extrovert since childhood and I feel myself folding in. I can feel myself turning introvert.  It's not because of social anxiety; I don't have that. I believe I'm fearing life.  Everything seems tensed. I like to study so I could get along. But then what? What if I don't get a good university? What if I can't adjust staying alone in a completely new city? I dream big. But what if I can't achieve them? Do I spend my life all alone? Why would someone want to be with a girl who is so much an overthinker? Such thoughts have often given me panic attacks. I'm not being pessimistic. Just that midnight thoughts are made to make you insecure. But I have never left trying things. So, I'll try and I'll be happy. 

I believe it's not too much for a graduate to think of all these because days of immaturity are gone.  I'm mature enough but also not enough to let go of things I know I can't have. I don't know what happiness is. All I know is if you try finding it, you will never achieve it. I believe I have to read more of philosophers' works or perhaps our very own, Tagore, to learn about life. I wonder if Philosophy  students are always positive and happy! In high school, we read a Tagore's poem called "Rupnaraner kule". There's probably no poem that enlighten the meaning of life better than this fifteen lines' small poem. Basically, acceptance is the key to happiness. Accepting the unaccepted, the untamed, the fears and extracting the motivation from them is the true essence of life. I'm not saying this. Kabiguru said this. I believe Tagore's life was itself an inspiration for us. In "Na Hanyate", Maitreyi Devi sees Tagore as someone who could lighten and relieve a grievous soul with just words; words filled with empathy, compassion and encouragement. I would have probably met him if I had a time machine. And speaking of motivation,  there's  perhaps no poem as motivating as Sri Sohan Lal Dwivedi's "Koshis karne walo ki kabhi haar nahi hoti". I mean it. I learnt it in a web series and then gave it a read myself. It always kept me going. The important thing is to learn to be happy alone. That's all that matters.  You are responsible for your own happiness. 

Anyway,  this is my first ever blog. Very inexperienced at the first place but to the point, I guess. I try to be as logical as possible, else can't fit into this materialistic world.  Thanks for reading. 

Disclaimer- The picture used is not taken by me and I don't take credit for it.